A moment of clarity.....

Trying to figure out the best way to make the starfish and write the pattern has brought on a moment of clarity about self discipline and motivation and the usefulness of a unavoidable deadline.

I confess, I thought the starfish was going to be easy. Just iron out the glitches, make a few adjustments, write it all up as I go and 'tadaaa!', there it is. It hasn't been quite so simple, and here I hang my head in shame, confessing that with knitting I've often given up when the going has got tough and given up on the project as a wasted effort - that self doubting 'other' on my shoulder telling me it's no good, I'm not earning any money from it, I'll never get it finished....

Here's the thing. Besides trying to be a knitter, I'm also trying (and trying and trying) to be a writer, and often what I do simply doesn't feel particularly 'concrete' or satisfying, in that the end product can take months - or more - to reach, and even then it is more a case of being unable to continue....as Paul Valery said, a poem is never finished, only abandoned. The great thing about knitting is that it is very concrete, very real, you end up with a 'thing'. Of course, some knitted things can take forever too, but they come into being and exist in the real world as you go along, and end up as something you can hold, feel, or use. I guess writing is not really so very different - you might end up with an actual book after all! But the process, while similar in stitch by stitch/word by word comparison, feels less tangible to me. I've frogged uncountable projects back into non-existence, for want of any number of reasons - lack of self belief, lack of staying power in the face of a hitch, and perhaps the most important thing.....lack of a deadline. When I say deadline, I mean ones that are imposed from the outside ie going to work so you don't lose your job and can't pay the bills, or a study deadline so you don't fail the very expensive MA you are doing that is a gigantic step towards being the above said writer 'for real'.

It's not like there aren't any number of tips and tricks out there for creating deadlines, and I use them to some extent - submission deadlines for competitions are figuring large in my life at the moment and they are really useful. But I'm very skilled at evasion and procrastination, I have had a lifetime of experience in that!

The starfish doesn't have a deadline. It's just me with a little idea that probably doesn't amount to much in the greater scheme of things. And yet....I don't know why, but for some reason, this little thing is going to get done. And that surety has made me feel I can write (and of course knit) in the same way too....just keep at it until it's done.

Just thought I'd say.